2010

This may be really cliche, but it has been quite a year I've had, and I'd like to take a few minutes to reminisce.

What Happened For Me During the Year 2010

• Conquered my fear and came back to BYU for Winter Semester after the worst semester of school I ever had the previous Fall
• Said goodbye to a good friend who passed away, one of the hardest things I've had to do
  
• After failing Biology again, I finally passed the class the third time through, and actually learned a few things
• For the first time, I could not go either semester without failing a class
• After 19 years of general complacency, I decided to date more
  
• In one of the nicest things somebody has done for me, my roommate went and paid my rent without telling me or expecting payback, though I paid him back anyway
• Was upgraded to unlimited texting after exceeding my text limit by over 100 texts and being charged a fee of over 100 dollars for it...
  
• Became the undisputed loser at both Scrabble and bowling. Dang. Haha.
• Began writing music on my trumpet
  
• Made a homemade blackberry pie by myself (Well, the crust was bought, but the rest I made) ...though I think the girl I made it for was allergic to it, and ate it anyway to not hurt my feelings. I just found that out, though.
  
• Held hands for the first time
  
• Also had my heart broken for the first time...
• Was inspired by one of my friends to start writing in my journal consistently again. Since then, I've finished my old journal and have made it about 80 pages into a new one. Journal writing has helped me get out a lot of stress, and I'm grateful for good influences such as this friend.
  
• Saw Cliff Lee pitch a great game in his debut for the Seattle Mariners...but still lose without a single run scored by his team
  
• Went nearly the whole Summer without having a job
• Swam in the Great Salt Lake...that was cool.
• Planned a birthday party for one of my friends, who I also home teach, to go stargazing in the mountains, and felt good watching it turn out to be a really fun time
  
• Hiked Mount Timpanogos
• Drove through a blizzard for the first time in the mountains between Grand Junction and Provo...without crashing, too
• Went to my cousin Courtney's wedding, who's been one of my best friends since we were toddlers, and saw her in one of the happiest moments of her life
• Went on a cruise in the Caribbean with my grandma and cousins, one of the best parts of the year
  
• Went Snuba diving in Grand Turk, something I never thought I'd do
• Relaxed at the famous Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas
  
• Learned how to sing a lot better and performed solos several times in front of an audience
  
• Took a weight lifting class which has helped me become stronger over the past few months
• Got a 100% on a test in the BYU Testing Center
  
• Went to Tim Tebow's home debut for the Denver Broncos and saw his first NFL victory

These are just a few moments from the past year. Looking back, a lot of the year may appear to be quite a downer, but I've had a lot of great experience and have learned a lot. I'm looking forward to 2011, a new year I can build on old accomplishments and strengthen myself for the future. I'll be spending the rest of 2010 with my family. It's time to say goodbye to the past year, though. Many of the moments and times I will sincerely miss, but it's time to start anew. Welcome in 2011!

Wisdom Teeth

Yesterday, I had my Wisdom Teeth taken out. This has been quite an interesting experience, especially what happened right after. When I got out of surgery, I was almost completely out of it. On the way home, I started doing the Macarena in the car and told my Mom how much I loved and appreciated her. Haha. I probably don't do that enough, so that wasn't too bad. Then, in what might have been a mistake, I got out my phone and texted several friends some awkward messages, including one expressing my regret that I wasn't a good enough friend, another saying how happy I was for one of my friend's achievements, and then one more telling a girl how grateful I was we're friends and saying she was one of the most awesome girls I know.

So, yeah, maybe my judgment wasn't all there, but it did make me think about why it took narcotics and loopiness to make me say what was on my mind to these people. I know maybe some of it was really weird, but everything I said was the truth, and I don't really even regret saying it. Sometimes, it takes a judgment lapse to do what we really want, and it should be easier.

Anyway, my cheeks are so puffed up right now, and I look ridiculous. It also kind of hurts. I'm looking forward to feeling better soon.

What I Am Thankful For

This is a bit cliche, but I feel this post needs to be made, if nothing else than to show a little bit of gratitude on this Thanksgiving day.

I'm thankful for:

• The chance to be home with family
• All the friends I have made throughout my life
• Technology which has helped me to keep in touch with my friends and family
  
• A car that works, even if it does have a lousy door
• A high school education
• The opportunity to attend BYU
  
• Good health
• The laptop I'm writing this on
• The blessings I've gained from being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, the fact I was born into it, and what it's taught me
  
• Missionaries who spend a great amount of time serving in the Church.
• My Savior who is Jesus Christ
• The Scriptures
  
• Parents who worked hard every day of my childhood to keep what what we have
• My citizenship in the United States of America and for those who defend this great country
• Each person who has helped me to grow through experiences they've given me
• My knowledge of music which has given me a great outlet to express myself
• All of my talents which I've been able to develop
  
• A cell phone
• Relatives who have helped me get through school
• The miracle of modern medicine
• Clean water
• Deciding to make more of an effort to go on dates and get to know more girls starting my Sophomore year, which has helped me to grow immensely
  

These are just a few things, but I am very grateful for so much I have been blessed with, and hope to touch the lives of many others I meet.

Yuck

It seems like, at BYU, I eat the same thing every day: Taco Bell. I am getting really sick of it. That place is just about all I can afford without income right now, and there's only so many things you can order for a dollar. Usually, I get the same thing, a bean burrito and soft taco. There was a time when I really liked eating there. Now, it feels similar to taking medicine, and I really only eat at the Bell because I likely wouldn't get any work done if I went home to have dinner. So, right now I am sitting in the Wilk, and am really hungry but just don't want to eat because I'd probably have to get something I'm really tired of. What to do...maybe I'll just buy a pop tart or something. I lifted weights today, so I'd like something with protein to help me rebuild. What a dilemma. Life is tough. Haha.

On Being Thought of As A Stalker

I sometimes wonder about if I seem like a stalker. I don't try to be. However, I'm pretty sure there was a class I was in last year where one of my friends sitting behind me was talking to her friend, and mentioned that it seemed like I was stalking her. I somehow had ended up in two classes with her that semester and saw her a couple times during the day, as well, which may have not helped my cause much. That kind of made me a little bit angry that she would think that, so I stayed away for a while.

Often, when I'm interested in a girl, I try to talk to her a little bit more often to give a hint, but it seems to come off as unwelcome when the girl doesn't like me back, and I again worry that I may just seem like another stalker guy.

Then, sometimes when I see girls I liked in the past who know I liked them, I worry that it may seem like more than a coincidence when I am pretty sure it isn't. For instance, I was recently riding my bike up to class when I ran into a certain girl, and it probably could have seemed like I timed that to happen or something. Maybe that's just me thinking too hard, though. Whenever a girl I like or have liked mentions somebody who seems like a stalker to them, I often think they could likely be talking about me.

And, another thing, when things don't work out with a girl and it becomes awkward for her, should you stop following her blog? I've kind of wondered about that. I started following this girl's blog a while back, but have not been sure ever since things ended with her whether she would feel more comfortable if I stopped following the blog, or if that would seem offensive, and also if reading it is a bad thing. I don't know.

I often don't worry about what people think of me, but there are a few things that get to me. Being thought of as a stalker is one.

I'm Grateful for People Who Show They Genuinely Care About Others

A couple nights ago, I was having fun at a basketball game, when I received a text from a friend. I thought it was probably from one of my parents, as I had recently sent them both a picture of the game, and expected it to be a routine inquiry of how it was or if I was having fun. I try to keep in touch with them when I can. However, it wasn't from either of them. The text I received was from a girl in my ward letting me know they had dropped off cookies and a balloon at my apartment. Right then may have been the best moment of my day or even the whole week. I thought about why they might have done it or if there was something they wanted back, that maybe there was a motive I didn't see, but I just didn't see them doing it for a reason like that. They had generally done it to be nice.

When I asked one of them about it yesterday, she said, "you're a good person, and we wanted to do something to show you that we appreciate it." Hearing this almost brought me to tears. I'll sometimes try to help other people and do things to make them feel better when they're down, but I don't usually receive anything back from it, nor do I expect or want to. However, when somebody actually did do something back for me, it was a change and, likely because it was so unexpected, I'm really taken back and grateful.

I'd like to publicly thank them for their kindness. Thanks, girls. It meant a good deal to have somebody show they genuinely care.

One Week Not On Facebook

I'm trying something through next Friday that may be good for me. I have been trying to stay off Facebook for an entire week. It's already proving really tough. First off, I get bored really easily if I'm just doing one thing, and Facebook has so much going on that it gives me something to occupy myself with while I'm doing other things. Secondly, I like feeling I'm not closed off from the rest of the world, which feels less so while online. And, thirdly, partly why I started getting on Facebook so much is because there is a girl I would talk to a while back when she got on. I'd get on sometimes just because I thought she may get on and chat for a while. Since then, it feels like the only way I can be close to her is if I am on Facebook, which is kind of sad but I recognize that this is part of the reason I'm on so much. I guess I have been lonely ever since I realized what it's like to have a girl to talk to and do things with and then faced rejection, and it eases some of the loneliness to have others around, and maybe even see her on there once in a while.

I can't imagine any of this is all that good for me. Living in that reality makes one become more dependent on being on an internet site instead of actually being social and talking to others. This seems like it could really screw people up.

As a result of all these factors, I think I have actually become addicted to Facebook. I know I am probably not the only one, but that doesn't really make it any better. I am having a hard time not getting on there and I would like to be at a point where it is not so difficult to avoid it. I may have some frustration staying off the site. However, this week should help me to realize I can live without it, if nothing else.

Not Dead Yet

Tonight, I realize that I am pretty much the epitome of everything I don't like in pedestrians and bikers. I know I already wrote about this, but this time I proved it!

I was riding my bike home from campus when a light was just about to turn red. So, I stopped while pretty much in the street, and a car starting to go by had to stop and let me go, which may have actually held up the traffic...Truthfully, I don't think I cared all that much, which maybe isn't a good sign. haha.

A couple minutes later, I was riding down 9th East, not too fast, when there was a car turning onto a street just ahead of me. I saw this, but decided the car would stop, so just kept going. A few seconds later, the car was still going, but I figured it would either stop...or I would beat it across the street. I almost ran right into it before the driver finally realized I was there and slowed down enough so I could swerve past the front. That was probably one of the stupidest things I did today. haha. I probably could have died right there. I guess that sometimes happens, though. It's all good.

Exhausted

I'm really tired. I had too much fun this weekend and didn't get much homework done. So, I then stayed up all last night to finish a few things and have been up for a long time. Somebody hinted at me today that, since I'm 20, I should be acting more mature and other people my age usually figure out how to wake up and have better sleeping habits than I do. This was a bit of a wake-up call. I've come to the realization that it's about time for me to grow up and become responsible. Things will have to change if I am going to be successful in life. I should probably start now.

Creative Stroke of Musical Genius

That title is an exaggeration. However, I have not been able to sleep last night and this morning, but ended up having a thought I should write musical themes for each of my roommates, and have even started on the first one. It could be a great idea if I can get the music out of my head and onto a page so it sounds good. I enjoy playing the trumpet, but have not practiced enough for my own standards during the past year. Maybe I should work on my sleep cycle, though, but oh well.

The Decision

There occasionally come times when you have to make a decision that will probably affect your entire life. Before you make that decision, you're not really moving any direction at all, just standing in the same place weighing which choice would be best for you. I am at such a point right now.

It's getting to be about that time when I finally need to declare a major. If I pass all my classes this semester, then I will have all of my General Education requirements complete besides Advanced Writing, which classes are sometimes major-specific and would be best taken when I have chosen a field of study, and Religion, which would not be too bad to still continue taking until I graduate. So, as my registration date looms, I have no idea what classes to register for. I am about out of time to waste deciding on a major and need to make a choice.

In the next few weeks, I will have to make my decision, and it's definitely grinding on me right now.

Community, Video Games and Studying

Last night, I had a lot to do, but didn't end up doing any of it. I came back from Ward Prayer and soon my roommate was watching a TV show called "Community," which his girlfriend's apartment has on DVD. That show is a lot funnier than I thought it would be. That took about three hours out of my night. Then, when I intended to get some things done, my roommate suggested I play a game on the new basketball video game he got for X-Box, "NBA2K11." I gave in and used up another 45 minutes, and then wasn't able to focus well for the rest of the night, even after I realized I had a Biology assignment due today. So, I went to sleep intending to get up early, work on homework and study for an exam I also need to take today. Like usual, I did not wake up early, and I did not get much work or studying done this morning.

It's after 5:00 now. The exam I'll take tonight is for the class I had at 4, and I skipped that class to study and get ready for the exam, which I felt was a good decision. Instead of getting a good amount of studying done, I have been on the computer procrastinating through Facebook, ESPN and Blogger.

I have a real problem with getting distracted easily. It happens all the time. If anybody has any suggestions for how I could do better, feel free to share, since I probably need the help. haha..ha...ha........

Mount Timpanogos Conquered

This weekend I hiked Timp. It was quite the adventure. Last year, I attempted to go up at about 3 in the morning following a night of no sleep. That didn't work out and I was too exhausted to make it even halfway. Yesterday, Saturday the 16th, I finally went back and finished. The hike was really long, though not as hard as I expected, and it was a really good experience. We started at the trail head around 1 in the morning, but were a little slow so didn't make it up until about 8, missing the sunrise by about 20 minutes. I didn't care too much, though, just happy to make it all the way up. It was a good weekend.

Facebook Status Updates

I believe it was during a cruise in the Caribbean that I realized something. While walking on the deck, an interesting thought entered my mind: I began thinking in terms of what my Facebook status would be at the moment. I was even thinking in third person, such as"Derek Chandler is..." That was kind of weird. However, I've realized that I actually do a lot, and that may have not even been the first time. It seems like I'm constantly thinking in terms of my Facebook status now. When I'm angry, I might sometimes actually think the words, "is angry" (since, of course, you don't have to type out your name) instead of just thinking "I'm really angry." I can't be the only one that does this. I guess maybe I am way too into Facebook if this is happening. haha. Maybe I should cut back. Oh well...

Pedrestians and Driving

Today, I was waiting for to cross the street while cars were passing and a thought came to my mind: "Why don't I just cross, anyway?" I get that feeling sometimes. I feel like Moses crossing the Red Sea. If I feel like crossing the street without waiting for cars, I might just do it, since they will usually stop for you if they're far enough away. When I'm driving, though, pedestrians seems more like ants going wherever they want, without any consideration for drivers. It sometimes makes me really angry and think about just running them over and going on with my drive...but that would clearly not be the right thing to do. Haha. Yeah, sometimes, crazy stuff runs through my mind, and I tend to think differently depending on whether I travel by car or foot.

Jobless

Last night, I was up until the early hours of the morning finishing up a couple of essays. When I finally woke up, I was already late for work. After riding my bike over there, my boss met me and said he was going to have to let me go. He said it was because I was consistently late and too slow at my work, that it didn't seem like I was thinking about being there, and he couldn't have it. Now, I really don't know what to do. I am really down from this. I need to have some consistent income, but I can't seem to wake up early in the morning consistently, which has been hurting me the last few years in both school and work. This is really tough to handle. I have not had such a great start to this week.

Coming From Behind

This semester has been really difficult on me. Working while attending classes has made me really tired. I'm now behind in all my classes and have to find some time to catch up. It's really stressful and I don't know how to manage all of it. Just for the rest of today, I still need to write two essays and finish my Biology homework. This weekend's reading will probably have to go unfinished. I didn't realize how difficult managing things would be with both work and school, and I can't afford to fail since I wouldn't qualify for Financial Aid next semester. I have not gotten too stressed out in a long time, but now things are really starting to grind on me. From now on, I need to work even harder, since there is little room for error. The fun is over and the real work is just beginning.

Sleep...

This is something I've had possibly the most trouble getting caught up on during the start of the semester. Last week, I probably was able to get an average of 4 or 5 hours of sleep every night on school night, which made me really tired. Last night, I slept about 4 hours. It's making me really tired, so I need to manage my time better, or it could be rough trying to get through the next few weeks. Sleeping well has been something I've struggled with nearly my entire life, and it seems like thoughts are constantly going through my head at night. It's not easy for me to deal with but, at least for right now, keeping busy has usually helped me to be tired enough for sleeping by the time I get in bed. Maybe the tiring workload will help this issue. Aside from all else, I plan on getting to bed on time tonight, and expect tomorrow to be better after having more rest.

Disorders

I have a fairly strong opinion on some things that I really don't agree with. One of these is the concept of psychological disorders. There's a lot of them: Bipolar Disorder, Attention Deficit Disorder, Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder... The list is fairly lengthy. That is part of the problem.

I've had a lot of good friends who have very interesting personalities. Several are diagnosed with different "disorders" such as those I listed above. Besides my friends, I have thought about what other disorders some of the people I have met possibly have. In fact, there's not a whole lot of people who I would say don't have some sort of a disorder that might affect them. This bothers me.

Disorders are supposed to be something that makes people different from others and affects them in ways that are not normal. However, it has come to the point where this no longer seems true. There's a lot of people that supposedly have some kind of disorder. I would say there are enough people who have one that it's not even accurate to call it a disorder. When so many people are affected by these, can it really be called a disorder? Nearly every person can qualify as having one. In my opinion, they shouldn't be called by this name at all, since it makes people feel like they are different than everybody else, when they are not really much different than the hordes of people out there who also have some type of disorder. Psychological disorders have become the norm for average people, so it's time that title be done away with, and they should simply be seen as elements of personalities.

Broken Hearts Are Like Broken Bones

They come with great pain and need time to mend. However, when finally healed, they will be stronger than ever before and have the ability to withstand greater stress. Just something to think about...

My New Semester

Starting the new semester was pretty good. I met some new people, was productive, and was able to get to sleep early and wake up late before work started. Now, I'm starting to get a taste of what it will really be like for Fall. Yesterday, my last class didn't get out until 5, after which I was up until 3 finishing up work for today. Then, this morning, I woke up at 7 to get to work at 8. I actually was happy to get 4 hours of sleep, which isn't exactly normal for me, since I slept a lot during the Summer. Work was from 8-12 doing weed whacking, which hurt my back and shoulders carrying the thing around for so long, and I was really tired before classes even started. Those were from 1-5, during which I fell asleep for most of Doctrine and Covenants and had trouble focusing for most of the others. My History professor doesn't make me too excited for the class. He seems to just be reading off a slide exactly what he is going to say during lecture. That's going to be similar to my schedule for every day this semester. It's going to be really tiring. I think I'll be able to get through it. However, this will likely be the toughest semester for me to manage in terms of the sheer amount of work I will have. It's going to be tough. However, it is possible, and will be interesting to see how I react to so much stress. I'm looking forward to the weekend.

A Fresh Start

Tomorrow, school starts up again. I'm glad to have a fresh start to make something of myself and try to get something going. Spring was great since I was able to do a lot of fun stuff with my friends and have a few great experiences. I was able to put into play some ideas that I have always wanted to act on and had somebody to talk with. Then, when that person decided to go in a different direction, I was a bit thrown off since I had liked her more than any girl I'd ever met. It was tough on me with how hard I'd tried to make things go right.

So, for a while, life wasn't so great since I was still thinking about why she had ended things so suddenly. I didn't have a job. I didn't have too many close friends around, since they had left for the Summer. I wasn't myself. All Summer, I seemed to just sit around, get on Facebook and look for jobs which I had almost lost all hope of getting. My finances were not doing so well, either, and I needed to figure things out. It wasn't all bad, though. I went on several dates, all of which I considered great, and had some really good times. Then, I also went stargazing, hiking, out to Seven Peaks with friends... My motivation and morale kept going up. The Summer was topped off with a trip to the Bahamas that helped me to finally relax.

Now, it's the night before school starts again, so people have been coming back to the ward. I've been meeting and gaining more friends, and there's a lot of cool new people I'll probably have a lot of fun with. I also have a job that works well with my schedule, will be able to make some money, and start a schedule of classes tomorrow that will keep me busy. I should be able to meet some cool new people in those classes, and there will probably be some cute girls, as well. This semester, I think I'll be able to get back on track and be productive. I'm lucky to be blessed with much of what I'll need to be successful. The future is laden with opportunity.

I Said Nothing

This is a poem I wrote during the middle of Winter Semester. I figure I'll put up a few of these types of things, too, since I often express myself better in song lyrics, poems and stories better than I say them. The story behind this one is probably really obvious, so nothing more needs be said.

I said nothing

The lights flashed on, the professor waved us out

I said nothing

The class stood up, the clanking of backpacks and books began, but she stayed sitting

I said nothing

My head buzzed with excuses, what she would think, what she might say

I said nothing

She slowly zipped her jacket, gathered her things, but stayed sitting, as if waiting, but

I said nothing

Words started to form in my mind, it would be this weekend, “Would you like to do something this weekend?”

I said nothing

Don’t do it, maybe next weekend, it is too early, Okay, It needs to be now, ask her out

I said nothing

She stood up, lifted her backpack, put on one strap, then the other, and I tried to form words, and still

I said nothing

She began to walk away and said, “See ya!”

I said goodbye.

Baseball

I haven't had all that much to do lately, which has translated to more blog posts, even if nobody really even reads them.

Everybody has a few distractions they are able to turn to when nothing else seems to be happening. These can be also be good for turning holding your attention when life seems to really suck. For me, one of these is baseball.

I've loved baseball since I was too young to understand it. Up until the family moved to Colorado when I was 7, my Dad would take me to watch San Francisco Giants games when we lived in California until I was about 7 years old. These weren't always my favorite times, but I did like to be at the ball park, if only for the fun environment. Watching fireworks at the games was one of my favorite things to do on the 4th of July. My Grandpa Sager also loved it and would sometimes offer me baseball cards from his years of collecting them. After spending a lot of time watching baseball, I began to really enjoy it.

When we moved to Colorado, I played baseball for a season on the school team. However, I didn't really enjoy it as much as I thought I would, and would sometimes skip practice solely because I didn't really feel like getting up to go. After that short round, I didn't play for a while, but continued to follow the Giants and my old favorite player, Barry Bonds, which was something that kept me occupied sometimes during the Summer when I was really bored. I remember being really frustrated when they finally made it to the World Series and lost by blowing a 5-0 lead in Game 6 and then losing Game 7. I had also started to like the Rockies after moving to Colorado, though it was more indifferent since they seemed to always lose.

At about 12, I tried playing baseball again. I wished I had never quit and wanted to have a fun time playing the game. Being on a baseball team was great. It was fun goofing around with the boys, sitting in the dugout during games talking and spitting sunflower seeds while waiting for your turn to bat and just having a good time. Just being a baseball player was pretty cool, too. However, I still wasn't all that great at playing, and was really only good for stealing bases since I was one of the faster guys on the team. I never played on another baseball team.

Since playing baseball, I've still followed more than a lot of people probably do, though not as much for a few years. In 2007, I went to the National League Wild Card Tiebreaker game, in which the Rockies won after a dramatic comeback in extra innings and eventually went on to the World Series. They were swept in the World Series, but that run got me interested in baseball again, and I have followed the Colorado Rockies ever since.

Last Summer, I was working in Grand Junction while not attending school, so baseball really became something that kept me going while not all that motivated. Almost everyday, there is another game to look forward to, which meant there was something to get up for. It was also a time when I was a bit discouraged about things, and the games were really a distraction that could occupy my attention for a time.

Baseball is just one thing that I find enjoyable and, although I was never a great player, it is an interesting distraction for me.

Going Against Our Own Selves

Tonight, I was going on a run and using frustrations towards other people to fuel myself onward. When tired, I can sometimes gain strength when I think about almost any person who I have a sort of rivalry with, and imagine myself racing against this person. It makes runs more meaningful when you have a purpose.

At one point while I was running down the street, I thought I noticed another person running down the sidewalk a little ahead of me, which gave me a short boost of speed to see if I could keep pace. About a second or two after, I realized that there was nobody ahead of me, and what I saw was my own shadow ahead. This made me wonder what it would be like to race against myself, and the person I began competing with in my head was my more competitive side. After thinking about it for a little while, I realized that trying to beat myself would be more difficult than going against another person, since I know my weaknesses and strengths better than anybody else. I eventually stopped this game of imaginary racing and began to think more about this idea of me against myself, a more contemplative theme, and developed something of a philosophical inquiry into the subject.

First off, I think most all of us have this difficulty of trying to beat our own selves harder than we try to beat anyone or anything else. We are our own harshest critics. When we are low in confidence, it is often our own thoughts that could drag us down and blow up the issues we're facing.

For example, I would guess that everybody has been made fun of before. What we often do in such a situation is somewhat illogical. I don't know what anybody else thinks, so I'll just refer to myself. When I am degraded or rejected, I will sometimes contemplate what the person said and put myself down because it may seem true. I'll then go over all the things that I need to do or could have done to be better, essentially admitting that the other person is right. In this situation, I really am not competing against anybody else. That person doesn't know me and does not have enough knowledge of who I am to really say anything. I have decided I'm not good enough and competing against myself, my own expectations and how good I think I should be. It's really counterproductive, since I know myself so well that there's always traits I could find be improved on.

I don't think we should stop trying to be our best selves. However, when we continue to be harsh on ourselves and look to find ways in which we are inadequate, it only serves to lower self-confidence and create frustration. My opinion is that we should try our best to be our best selves for those that matter and, after that, we need to realize that only so much can be done with our own capacities.

Scrabble

I think I've always enjoyed playing the game Scrabble. I'm a fairly competitive person, and that particular game seems fun to me because it actually requires a reasonable amount of skill to win at. However, that doesn't mean I'm too great at it.

A few months ago, our apartment began playing Scrabble more often. I had suggested it earlier since I thought that I might have been able to beat a few people at it. That wasn't the case. Since I've started playing it more often, I have not legitimately won a single game. The first game I played was against my roommate, Scott, where we didn't play by the rules very well and both ended up with ridiculously high scores because of reusing the bonus spaces. For the second game, I played against a different roommate named Mark, an English major and published author who beat me fairly convincingly.

After a couple of practice games down, I thought I was ready and good enough to impress somebody. So, I invited over a girl, who I liked, to play Scrabble on what may have been considered a date. She beat me by a large margin both times we played, although it didn't matter too much for me because I was mainly trying to provide a good time.

There wasn't another opportunity to play before my roommate who was leaving packed the game away. A few weeks later, though, I borrowed it from a friend to play with that same girl. This time, I tried harder to actually win a game and redeem myself. It didn't happen. We played two games and I badly lost both again. I had then lost four times in a row just to her. I wasn't really too angry, though I would have liked to have at least beat her once.

That started a string of games when I didn't lose, but also couldn't seem to win one. I left during the middle of one game against a girl who stopped trying to win. That was still using the game I borrowed. I got Scrabble as a birthday present in June. Since then, I've played three games that were never finished. One I was losing at, anyway, the next I may have been able to win but had the game board messed up near the end when my friend declared himself the winner, and the most recent was this past Friday when the game was close before we had to move it for dinner and it ended up getting messed up again.

So, I've played Scrabble all these times since moving to Utah, and couldn't even win one game. I think I should be able to cut a break one of these days and take one. Hopefully, I can do that soon, since it's kind of a problem that I love Scrabble but hate losing. `

No Easy Solutions

I don't remember if I mentioned this or not in an earlier post, but I have been trying to find a job this Summer to earn some money. As of this moment in time, I still do not have one. Recently, there was an opening that seemed like it might work out, but they still have not called me back for an interview. I'm reaching the end of my money supply, so it is about time for me to turn up the level of urgency and find something. I've tried to avoid fast food jobs thus far, but those are starting to look like good options compared to what I'm doing now.

That brings me to my next issue: boredom. During the Spring, I sat at home a lot and tried to find ways to occupy my time. When I wasn't job searching, there often was not much else for me to do, either. This has given me a lot of time to sit and think about things. That's not something I really want too much of, since it sometimes leads to a mixed emotion of feelings over whether I could have changed things that happened in the past. It makes me feel really unproductive, so I've been trying to find ways to keep busy, whether it be going to the pool, writing or going on campus for a while.

It has occurred to me that I could move back home, which would, at least, save on food and rent expenses. However, I would really like to stay in Provo. I've been able to make friends here, and I don't have many friends still living in Grand Junction, which may cause loneliness if I went back there for the rest of the Summer. There may not be many job openings back there, either, since it's a relatively small town. My best option at finding a job is likely to continue searching where I'm at now.

In other news, I'm kind of in an awkward situation right now. There's somebody who I had been really good friends with for a couple months, but now things have changed a bit and made it weird. For about a month, or maybe longer, we had talked or texted each other everyday and were able to have some fun conversations. However, I'm not sure if this person really wants to talk to me anymore, and it's been the longest interval of time without her talking to or texting me since we met. It's really sad feeling like I'm losing such a good friend and not knowing if there's anything I could or should do about it. Sometimes, complicating things between a friend makes it tough to return things back the way they were if something happens. I don't have too many regrets about it, although one does stand out, and that's how it seems I am losing one of my best friends.

It looks like, if I want to have things work out the best, I will have to put forth some effort. There's no easy solutions to some obstacles. The best way out, however, is usually going through them, which I will work hard to do.

Inexperience

As I approach turning 20 years old and having lived for two decades, I have been thinking a lot about things I have been able to accomplish in my life...and also things I have not. There have been a few times that I have become a bit down lately because of things I never did or experienced so far in my child and teenage years. I guess I do have a month left to do a few of these, but many I cannot go back and do, because they are already past.

I never went to a High School dance, including Prom or Homecoming. I never went on a date in High School, and my first date was my Freshman year in college. I've never meaningfully held a girl's hand, had my first kiss, cuddled with a girl, or had a girlfriend. I guess this is what really is getting at me. It is hard going for such a long time without having somebody.

This has frustrated me for a while, because sometimes I really do want to have a girl I can do things for, and feel like she cares for me as much as I care for her. I think have done pretty well to hide this. But, going a long time without ever really feeling this way has sometimes made me feel a bit empty.

Right now, there is a girl that I like, but I think my own inexperience may be holding me back. I don't really know what to do next after establishing a good friendship. While I believe she may feel something towards me, I am not sure at what point to try to hold her hand, sit closer during a movie, or give her a kiss at the end of the night. There is a sense of mystery to it, which is good, and I hope that will last until I know what to do next. I think she may want to take it slow and, if that is the case, maybe I am not doing so bad. I guess spontaneity will have to do, for now.

Inexperience has sometimes gotten me down. But, I will keep going at it, which I will need to do in order to have new experiences.

A Bit of an Update

Well, I have neglected this blog for a while, so I guess I will update it with what's new in my life.

Let's start with school last semester, which was Winter 2010. I was able to do fairly well in my classes, aside from failing Biology for the second time, which I am not looking forward to retaking again. I guess three is a pretty good number, though. haha. I actually passed Art History and Statistics this time around, though, with a B- and a B, respectively, so I am happy about that. I also rebounded from a terrible semester in the Fall and now am back on Good Academic Standing, which I am really happy about and it makes me a little less worried about school next Fall. I think I can do better from now on, after I have learned a few things about not doing well. Haha. I never did all that badly in High School, so it was kind of new having bad grades. But, I think, or at least I hope, I was able to learn from it.

Last Semester was also pretty good because I was able to get to know my roommates a bit better and had some pretty fun times with them. For example, Matthew, Andrew (who goes by his last name, Doman) and I rented a basketball video game at one point during the semester and stayed up pretty much all night playing it. We bought a lot of junk food to eat that night, like the dozen donuts I bought that weren't all that good, and had quite a party. Matthew and I actually had a whole seven game series with me as the Denver Nuggets and him as the L.A. Lakers, which he beat me pretty soundly in. I was beaten pretty badly just about all night long, which they had fun with, but I eventually got a bit angry at. Haha. I was really groggy the next day, though. We also had a lot of fun times playing Rock Band, going to BYU Basketball games and playing Scattegories. Last semester, Nathan Gordon, who goes by Gordo, also moved in, who lived in Denver and actually went to my same middle school and the same high school that my sister went to for a year. It's kind of cool the people you will meet.

Speaking of meeting cool people, I actually met a girl named Kristy in one of my classes last semester who is a pretty good friend now. As I've gotten to know her, I've learned we are surprisingly similar. My cousin-in-law said that he had never heard of any sort of relationship develop from meeting somebody in a class, since people don't seem to talk all that much to strangers in their classes. Haha. I guess I really don't talk to people all that much in my classes, either, although I have gained maybe a few friends that way. Well, what's interesting is that Kristy actually lived in the same small town of Gilroy, California, where I lived until I was about 7, we both had the same Kindergarten teacher, and I knew her cousin when I was little, as his and my mom took turns babysitting. Our moms know each other, as well. I think it's really cool how at BYU you can meet people that you are connected to in these ways.

I guess some people could say meeting people connected to you in ways like this is just random, like how Gordo and I both lived in the same area, went to the same middle school, and knew some of the same people, and how Kristy and I both lived in Gilroy, went to the same Kindergarten and have other interesting connections through her family. But, I'm a man of faith, and I believe that these types of things happen for a reason, and meeting people I can relate to has helped me get through tough times and back on track to be successful.

Last week, my Grandma flew me up to Washington to visit with their family. It gave me a bit of a chance to relax before coming back to Provo and having to find a job. Washington was a bit cloudy and rainy on some days, but there were also some times of nice weather, so it was not all that bad. I enjoyed going up to Seattle, going to the beach, going to the baseball game, bowling, and doing some fun things. Relaxing and getting plenty of sleep and food was also nice.

Coming back to Provo has been nice, with the sunny weather and seeing some friends again. It is kind of weird, though, since Doman and Matthew have moved out of the apartment and Mark is moving out later this week. I think there might just be three of us here in the Spring, since nobody else has moved in yet. I don't know if I will like having so few people to talk to in my apartment. Maybe I will just spend more time at other apartments. I don't think it will be all that bad, though, and I enjoy healthy new experiences.

Right now, it's Summer, and I need to find a job. It is kind of difficult to do that right now in Provo, however, but I know that I will be able to find and be hired for one if I work hard enough and have enough faith. I really should be more motivated, but my mind seems to be occupied with other things, especially with a girl I like and have thought about a lot. Obviously, since I am here writing on this blog and not looking for work, I am not trying hard enough.

With that, I think I will be done writing for now. Thanks for reading the whole post. Haha. I will try to update the blog more often in the future, if only just for my own enjoyment.

A Bit Lazy

So, it is Friday again, which definitely has its upside. Friday is the day I scheduled to not have any classes this semester. But it is hard to really do anything on days when you don't have to. I have some things to get done, but I am feeling a bit lazy. It has been a good week.

About Me

My name is Derek Chandler and I am a student at Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah. It feels weird for me to create a blog, since I have not always been a huge fan of blogs. But, I guess I will try it.

I'm not sure what to say. I like having fun, which sometimes affects the quality of my work. I have had instances where I watch a movie or go to a game instead of doing homework, which I usually regret. I enjoy music, and I have played the trumpet for a while now, although it has been over a year since I practiced regularly. College has made it tough to focus on practicing music. I started learning the piano my senior year of high school, but trying to balance practicing trumpet and piano at the same time has made it hard for me to progress. I enjoy running. It helps me relax when I need to, and helps with my focus. I am not all that fast, but I just run for fun, anyway, so it does not matter all that much.

I like sports, playing and watching. I lived in Colorado for a long time, so my favorite sports teams are also mostly from Colorado. But, I was born in California and lived there for seven years, so teams and other things associated with California I also like. I enjoy writing, as well, and someday I would like to be able to write a book or two, if I can just get enough focus to do it. In the Winter, I love to go skiing and, in the Summer, hiking is fun.

As far as my personality, I am a perfectionist. When I really am into doing something, I do it well, even if it takes a long time to make sure I have done the best I can. I think things through a lot before I do something, which is both good and bad depending on the situation. I'm naturally

I am LDS, or Mormon, and my religion affects a lot of who I am and what I do. I believe in these values, and I try to live them from day to day.

I am a bit tired, so maybe I will write more later. Bye.