Inexperience

As I approach turning 20 years old and having lived for two decades, I have been thinking a lot about things I have been able to accomplish in my life...and also things I have not. There have been a few times that I have become a bit down lately because of things I never did or experienced so far in my child and teenage years. I guess I do have a month left to do a few of these, but many I cannot go back and do, because they are already past.

I never went to a High School dance, including Prom or Homecoming. I never went on a date in High School, and my first date was my Freshman year in college. I've never meaningfully held a girl's hand, had my first kiss, cuddled with a girl, or had a girlfriend. I guess this is what really is getting at me. It is hard going for such a long time without having somebody.

This has frustrated me for a while, because sometimes I really do want to have a girl I can do things for, and feel like she cares for me as much as I care for her. I think have done pretty well to hide this. But, going a long time without ever really feeling this way has sometimes made me feel a bit empty.

Right now, there is a girl that I like, but I think my own inexperience may be holding me back. I don't really know what to do next after establishing a good friendship. While I believe she may feel something towards me, I am not sure at what point to try to hold her hand, sit closer during a movie, or give her a kiss at the end of the night. There is a sense of mystery to it, which is good, and I hope that will last until I know what to do next. I think she may want to take it slow and, if that is the case, maybe I am not doing so bad. I guess spontaneity will have to do, for now.

Inexperience has sometimes gotten me down. But, I will keep going at it, which I will need to do in order to have new experiences.