I Said Nothing

This is a poem I wrote during the middle of Winter Semester. I figure I'll put up a few of these types of things, too, since I often express myself better in song lyrics, poems and stories better than I say them. The story behind this one is probably really obvious, so nothing more needs be said.

I said nothing

The lights flashed on, the professor waved us out

I said nothing

The class stood up, the clanking of backpacks and books began, but she stayed sitting

I said nothing

My head buzzed with excuses, what she would think, what she might say

I said nothing

She slowly zipped her jacket, gathered her things, but stayed sitting, as if waiting, but

I said nothing

Words started to form in my mind, it would be this weekend, “Would you like to do something this weekend?”

I said nothing

Don’t do it, maybe next weekend, it is too early, Okay, It needs to be now, ask her out

I said nothing

She stood up, lifted her backpack, put on one strap, then the other, and I tried to form words, and still

I said nothing

She began to walk away and said, “See ya!”

I said goodbye.

Baseball

I haven't had all that much to do lately, which has translated to more blog posts, even if nobody really even reads them.

Everybody has a few distractions they are able to turn to when nothing else seems to be happening. These can be also be good for turning holding your attention when life seems to really suck. For me, one of these is baseball.

I've loved baseball since I was too young to understand it. Up until the family moved to Colorado when I was 7, my Dad would take me to watch San Francisco Giants games when we lived in California until I was about 7 years old. These weren't always my favorite times, but I did like to be at the ball park, if only for the fun environment. Watching fireworks at the games was one of my favorite things to do on the 4th of July. My Grandpa Sager also loved it and would sometimes offer me baseball cards from his years of collecting them. After spending a lot of time watching baseball, I began to really enjoy it.

When we moved to Colorado, I played baseball for a season on the school team. However, I didn't really enjoy it as much as I thought I would, and would sometimes skip practice solely because I didn't really feel like getting up to go. After that short round, I didn't play for a while, but continued to follow the Giants and my old favorite player, Barry Bonds, which was something that kept me occupied sometimes during the Summer when I was really bored. I remember being really frustrated when they finally made it to the World Series and lost by blowing a 5-0 lead in Game 6 and then losing Game 7. I had also started to like the Rockies after moving to Colorado, though it was more indifferent since they seemed to always lose.

At about 12, I tried playing baseball again. I wished I had never quit and wanted to have a fun time playing the game. Being on a baseball team was great. It was fun goofing around with the boys, sitting in the dugout during games talking and spitting sunflower seeds while waiting for your turn to bat and just having a good time. Just being a baseball player was pretty cool, too. However, I still wasn't all that great at playing, and was really only good for stealing bases since I was one of the faster guys on the team. I never played on another baseball team.

Since playing baseball, I've still followed more than a lot of people probably do, though not as much for a few years. In 2007, I went to the National League Wild Card Tiebreaker game, in which the Rockies won after a dramatic comeback in extra innings and eventually went on to the World Series. They were swept in the World Series, but that run got me interested in baseball again, and I have followed the Colorado Rockies ever since.

Last Summer, I was working in Grand Junction while not attending school, so baseball really became something that kept me going while not all that motivated. Almost everyday, there is another game to look forward to, which meant there was something to get up for. It was also a time when I was a bit discouraged about things, and the games were really a distraction that could occupy my attention for a time.

Baseball is just one thing that I find enjoyable and, although I was never a great player, it is an interesting distraction for me.

Going Against Our Own Selves

Tonight, I was going on a run and using frustrations towards other people to fuel myself onward. When tired, I can sometimes gain strength when I think about almost any person who I have a sort of rivalry with, and imagine myself racing against this person. It makes runs more meaningful when you have a purpose.

At one point while I was running down the street, I thought I noticed another person running down the sidewalk a little ahead of me, which gave me a short boost of speed to see if I could keep pace. About a second or two after, I realized that there was nobody ahead of me, and what I saw was my own shadow ahead. This made me wonder what it would be like to race against myself, and the person I began competing with in my head was my more competitive side. After thinking about it for a little while, I realized that trying to beat myself would be more difficult than going against another person, since I know my weaknesses and strengths better than anybody else. I eventually stopped this game of imaginary racing and began to think more about this idea of me against myself, a more contemplative theme, and developed something of a philosophical inquiry into the subject.

First off, I think most all of us have this difficulty of trying to beat our own selves harder than we try to beat anyone or anything else. We are our own harshest critics. When we are low in confidence, it is often our own thoughts that could drag us down and blow up the issues we're facing.

For example, I would guess that everybody has been made fun of before. What we often do in such a situation is somewhat illogical. I don't know what anybody else thinks, so I'll just refer to myself. When I am degraded or rejected, I will sometimes contemplate what the person said and put myself down because it may seem true. I'll then go over all the things that I need to do or could have done to be better, essentially admitting that the other person is right. In this situation, I really am not competing against anybody else. That person doesn't know me and does not have enough knowledge of who I am to really say anything. I have decided I'm not good enough and competing against myself, my own expectations and how good I think I should be. It's really counterproductive, since I know myself so well that there's always traits I could find be improved on.

I don't think we should stop trying to be our best selves. However, when we continue to be harsh on ourselves and look to find ways in which we are inadequate, it only serves to lower self-confidence and create frustration. My opinion is that we should try our best to be our best selves for those that matter and, after that, we need to realize that only so much can be done with our own capacities.

Scrabble

I think I've always enjoyed playing the game Scrabble. I'm a fairly competitive person, and that particular game seems fun to me because it actually requires a reasonable amount of skill to win at. However, that doesn't mean I'm too great at it.

A few months ago, our apartment began playing Scrabble more often. I had suggested it earlier since I thought that I might have been able to beat a few people at it. That wasn't the case. Since I've started playing it more often, I have not legitimately won a single game. The first game I played was against my roommate, Scott, where we didn't play by the rules very well and both ended up with ridiculously high scores because of reusing the bonus spaces. For the second game, I played against a different roommate named Mark, an English major and published author who beat me fairly convincingly.

After a couple of practice games down, I thought I was ready and good enough to impress somebody. So, I invited over a girl, who I liked, to play Scrabble on what may have been considered a date. She beat me by a large margin both times we played, although it didn't matter too much for me because I was mainly trying to provide a good time.

There wasn't another opportunity to play before my roommate who was leaving packed the game away. A few weeks later, though, I borrowed it from a friend to play with that same girl. This time, I tried harder to actually win a game and redeem myself. It didn't happen. We played two games and I badly lost both again. I had then lost four times in a row just to her. I wasn't really too angry, though I would have liked to have at least beat her once.

That started a string of games when I didn't lose, but also couldn't seem to win one. I left during the middle of one game against a girl who stopped trying to win. That was still using the game I borrowed. I got Scrabble as a birthday present in June. Since then, I've played three games that were never finished. One I was losing at, anyway, the next I may have been able to win but had the game board messed up near the end when my friend declared himself the winner, and the most recent was this past Friday when the game was close before we had to move it for dinner and it ended up getting messed up again.

So, I've played Scrabble all these times since moving to Utah, and couldn't even win one game. I think I should be able to cut a break one of these days and take one. Hopefully, I can do that soon, since it's kind of a problem that I love Scrabble but hate losing. `

No Easy Solutions

I don't remember if I mentioned this or not in an earlier post, but I have been trying to find a job this Summer to earn some money. As of this moment in time, I still do not have one. Recently, there was an opening that seemed like it might work out, but they still have not called me back for an interview. I'm reaching the end of my money supply, so it is about time for me to turn up the level of urgency and find something. I've tried to avoid fast food jobs thus far, but those are starting to look like good options compared to what I'm doing now.

That brings me to my next issue: boredom. During the Spring, I sat at home a lot and tried to find ways to occupy my time. When I wasn't job searching, there often was not much else for me to do, either. This has given me a lot of time to sit and think about things. That's not something I really want too much of, since it sometimes leads to a mixed emotion of feelings over whether I could have changed things that happened in the past. It makes me feel really unproductive, so I've been trying to find ways to keep busy, whether it be going to the pool, writing or going on campus for a while.

It has occurred to me that I could move back home, which would, at least, save on food and rent expenses. However, I would really like to stay in Provo. I've been able to make friends here, and I don't have many friends still living in Grand Junction, which may cause loneliness if I went back there for the rest of the Summer. There may not be many job openings back there, either, since it's a relatively small town. My best option at finding a job is likely to continue searching where I'm at now.

In other news, I'm kind of in an awkward situation right now. There's somebody who I had been really good friends with for a couple months, but now things have changed a bit and made it weird. For about a month, or maybe longer, we had talked or texted each other everyday and were able to have some fun conversations. However, I'm not sure if this person really wants to talk to me anymore, and it's been the longest interval of time without her talking to or texting me since we met. It's really sad feeling like I'm losing such a good friend and not knowing if there's anything I could or should do about it. Sometimes, complicating things between a friend makes it tough to return things back the way they were if something happens. I don't have too many regrets about it, although one does stand out, and that's how it seems I am losing one of my best friends.

It looks like, if I want to have things work out the best, I will have to put forth some effort. There's no easy solutions to some obstacles. The best way out, however, is usually going through them, which I will work hard to do.

Inexperience

As I approach turning 20 years old and having lived for two decades, I have been thinking a lot about things I have been able to accomplish in my life...and also things I have not. There have been a few times that I have become a bit down lately because of things I never did or experienced so far in my child and teenage years. I guess I do have a month left to do a few of these, but many I cannot go back and do, because they are already past.

I never went to a High School dance, including Prom or Homecoming. I never went on a date in High School, and my first date was my Freshman year in college. I've never meaningfully held a girl's hand, had my first kiss, cuddled with a girl, or had a girlfriend. I guess this is what really is getting at me. It is hard going for such a long time without having somebody.

This has frustrated me for a while, because sometimes I really do want to have a girl I can do things for, and feel like she cares for me as much as I care for her. I think have done pretty well to hide this. But, going a long time without ever really feeling this way has sometimes made me feel a bit empty.

Right now, there is a girl that I like, but I think my own inexperience may be holding me back. I don't really know what to do next after establishing a good friendship. While I believe she may feel something towards me, I am not sure at what point to try to hold her hand, sit closer during a movie, or give her a kiss at the end of the night. There is a sense of mystery to it, which is good, and I hope that will last until I know what to do next. I think she may want to take it slow and, if that is the case, maybe I am not doing so bad. I guess spontaneity will have to do, for now.

Inexperience has sometimes gotten me down. But, I will keep going at it, which I will need to do in order to have new experiences.

A Bit of an Update

Well, I have neglected this blog for a while, so I guess I will update it with what's new in my life.

Let's start with school last semester, which was Winter 2010. I was able to do fairly well in my classes, aside from failing Biology for the second time, which I am not looking forward to retaking again. I guess three is a pretty good number, though. haha. I actually passed Art History and Statistics this time around, though, with a B- and a B, respectively, so I am happy about that. I also rebounded from a terrible semester in the Fall and now am back on Good Academic Standing, which I am really happy about and it makes me a little less worried about school next Fall. I think I can do better from now on, after I have learned a few things about not doing well. Haha. I never did all that badly in High School, so it was kind of new having bad grades. But, I think, or at least I hope, I was able to learn from it.

Last Semester was also pretty good because I was able to get to know my roommates a bit better and had some pretty fun times with them. For example, Matthew, Andrew (who goes by his last name, Doman) and I rented a basketball video game at one point during the semester and stayed up pretty much all night playing it. We bought a lot of junk food to eat that night, like the dozen donuts I bought that weren't all that good, and had quite a party. Matthew and I actually had a whole seven game series with me as the Denver Nuggets and him as the L.A. Lakers, which he beat me pretty soundly in. I was beaten pretty badly just about all night long, which they had fun with, but I eventually got a bit angry at. Haha. I was really groggy the next day, though. We also had a lot of fun times playing Rock Band, going to BYU Basketball games and playing Scattegories. Last semester, Nathan Gordon, who goes by Gordo, also moved in, who lived in Denver and actually went to my same middle school and the same high school that my sister went to for a year. It's kind of cool the people you will meet.

Speaking of meeting cool people, I actually met a girl named Kristy in one of my classes last semester who is a pretty good friend now. As I've gotten to know her, I've learned we are surprisingly similar. My cousin-in-law said that he had never heard of any sort of relationship develop from meeting somebody in a class, since people don't seem to talk all that much to strangers in their classes. Haha. I guess I really don't talk to people all that much in my classes, either, although I have gained maybe a few friends that way. Well, what's interesting is that Kristy actually lived in the same small town of Gilroy, California, where I lived until I was about 7, we both had the same Kindergarten teacher, and I knew her cousin when I was little, as his and my mom took turns babysitting. Our moms know each other, as well. I think it's really cool how at BYU you can meet people that you are connected to in these ways.

I guess some people could say meeting people connected to you in ways like this is just random, like how Gordo and I both lived in the same area, went to the same middle school, and knew some of the same people, and how Kristy and I both lived in Gilroy, went to the same Kindergarten and have other interesting connections through her family. But, I'm a man of faith, and I believe that these types of things happen for a reason, and meeting people I can relate to has helped me get through tough times and back on track to be successful.

Last week, my Grandma flew me up to Washington to visit with their family. It gave me a bit of a chance to relax before coming back to Provo and having to find a job. Washington was a bit cloudy and rainy on some days, but there were also some times of nice weather, so it was not all that bad. I enjoyed going up to Seattle, going to the beach, going to the baseball game, bowling, and doing some fun things. Relaxing and getting plenty of sleep and food was also nice.

Coming back to Provo has been nice, with the sunny weather and seeing some friends again. It is kind of weird, though, since Doman and Matthew have moved out of the apartment and Mark is moving out later this week. I think there might just be three of us here in the Spring, since nobody else has moved in yet. I don't know if I will like having so few people to talk to in my apartment. Maybe I will just spend more time at other apartments. I don't think it will be all that bad, though, and I enjoy healthy new experiences.

Right now, it's Summer, and I need to find a job. It is kind of difficult to do that right now in Provo, however, but I know that I will be able to find and be hired for one if I work hard enough and have enough faith. I really should be more motivated, but my mind seems to be occupied with other things, especially with a girl I like and have thought about a lot. Obviously, since I am here writing on this blog and not looking for work, I am not trying hard enough.

With that, I think I will be done writing for now. Thanks for reading the whole post. Haha. I will try to update the blog more often in the future, if only just for my own enjoyment.