What I'm Not Able to Say

So, I've had a lot of scattered thoughts on my mind lately, most directed at different people. One of my friends had a post similar to this, and I figured it may be a good way to get get things out. It probably will be apparent how many girl problems I've had, but oh well. Haha. Here's a few things I've wanted to say:

• I don't know what to do. I'm sorry I don't really talk to you anymore, but there just wasn't really anything there, and I feel bad that I could hurt somebody. Hopefully someday you can forgive me.
• I'm sorry I didn't remember you're allergic to fruit when I made you that blackberry pie. You shouldn't have felt guilty to eat it. I went to see you at Acoustic Explosion the other night and you sounded great. I wish people would have shut up while you were performing. A lot of the pain was brought back when I saw you again, though. I miss you and wish you would talk to me again like we used to every day. It makes me feel sad when I think of the memories and wonder what could have been. When I saw you in the hall the other day, I wanted to say something, but didn't because I knew it would make you feel uncomfortable. I was actually singing one of your songs to myself right then, which is kind of ironic. Sometimes, when I get a text, I'll have a dim hope it might be you. And, when I went on a walk last night, I had a thought that maybe I'd run into you on the same streets we'd went for a walk on before. It's sometimes frustrating that I still haven't gotten over you. I still hope that we can be friends again someday, but it's probably in vain. As one of my friends put it, "it doesn't work that way." I hoped she was wrong, but maybe not. After all the time that's past, I still can't bring myself to say goodbye.
  
• I've kind of wondered before if things what would happen if you and I dated. We've known each other for a while and it's really interesting to think about. It's kind of a weird thought. haha
  
• Thanks for the date. It's been nice having somebody to talk to.
  
• I kind of like you and hope maybe you'll give me a chance. You're kind of confusing me, though, and I'm not quite sure what you think about me. When are we going to hang out again?
• I found out that you were never serious. Why would you do that to me? It makes me a bit angry thinking about it.
• I liked you for several years and never told you. It would have been kind of hard with all the people who were into you and the fact that among those people was one of my best friends made it a bit harder. I'm kind of glad I never decided to tell you, though, since we can still talk to each other and are friends, while complicating things a bit often seems to ruin friendships.

That feels a little bit better.

2010

This may be really cliche, but it has been quite a year I've had, and I'd like to take a few minutes to reminisce.

What Happened For Me During the Year 2010

• Conquered my fear and came back to BYU for Winter Semester after the worst semester of school I ever had the previous Fall
• Said goodbye to a good friend who passed away, one of the hardest things I've had to do
  
• After failing Biology again, I finally passed the class the third time through, and actually learned a few things
• For the first time, I could not go either semester without failing a class
• After 19 years of general complacency, I decided to date more
  
• In one of the nicest things somebody has done for me, my roommate went and paid my rent without telling me or expecting payback, though I paid him back anyway
• Was upgraded to unlimited texting after exceeding my text limit by over 100 texts and being charged a fee of over 100 dollars for it...
  
• Became the undisputed loser at both Scrabble and bowling. Dang. Haha.
• Began writing music on my trumpet
  
• Made a homemade blackberry pie by myself (Well, the crust was bought, but the rest I made) ...though I think the girl I made it for was allergic to it, and ate it anyway to not hurt my feelings. I just found that out, though.
  
• Held hands for the first time
  
• Also had my heart broken for the first time...
• Was inspired by one of my friends to start writing in my journal consistently again. Since then, I've finished my old journal and have made it about 80 pages into a new one. Journal writing has helped me get out a lot of stress, and I'm grateful for good influences such as this friend.
  
• Saw Cliff Lee pitch a great game in his debut for the Seattle Mariners...but still lose without a single run scored by his team
  
• Went nearly the whole Summer without having a job
• Swam in the Great Salt Lake...that was cool.
• Planned a birthday party for one of my friends, who I also home teach, to go stargazing in the mountains, and felt good watching it turn out to be a really fun time
  
• Hiked Mount Timpanogos
• Drove through a blizzard for the first time in the mountains between Grand Junction and Provo...without crashing, too
• Went to my cousin Courtney's wedding, who's been one of my best friends since we were toddlers, and saw her in one of the happiest moments of her life
• Went on a cruise in the Caribbean with my grandma and cousins, one of the best parts of the year
  
• Went Snuba diving in Grand Turk, something I never thought I'd do
• Relaxed at the famous Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas
  
• Learned how to sing a lot better and performed solos several times in front of an audience
  
• Took a weight lifting class which has helped me become stronger over the past few months
• Got a 100% on a test in the BYU Testing Center
  
• Went to Tim Tebow's home debut for the Denver Broncos and saw his first NFL victory

These are just a few moments from the past year. Looking back, a lot of the year may appear to be quite a downer, but I've had a lot of great experience and have learned a lot. I'm looking forward to 2011, a new year I can build on old accomplishments and strengthen myself for the future. I'll be spending the rest of 2010 with my family. It's time to say goodbye to the past year, though. Many of the moments and times I will sincerely miss, but it's time to start anew. Welcome in 2011!

Wisdom Teeth

Yesterday, I had my Wisdom Teeth taken out. This has been quite an interesting experience, especially what happened right after. When I got out of surgery, I was almost completely out of it. On the way home, I started doing the Macarena in the car and told my Mom how much I loved and appreciated her. Haha. I probably don't do that enough, so that wasn't too bad. Then, in what might have been a mistake, I got out my phone and texted several friends some awkward messages, including one expressing my regret that I wasn't a good enough friend, another saying how happy I was for one of my friend's achievements, and then one more telling a girl how grateful I was we're friends and saying she was one of the most awesome girls I know.

So, yeah, maybe my judgment wasn't all there, but it did make me think about why it took narcotics and loopiness to make me say what was on my mind to these people. I know maybe some of it was really weird, but everything I said was the truth, and I don't really even regret saying it. Sometimes, it takes a judgment lapse to do what we really want, and it should be easier.

Anyway, my cheeks are so puffed up right now, and I look ridiculous. It also kind of hurts. I'm looking forward to feeling better soon.

What I Am Thankful For

This is a bit cliche, but I feel this post needs to be made, if nothing else than to show a little bit of gratitude on this Thanksgiving day.

I'm thankful for:

• The chance to be home with family
• All the friends I have made throughout my life
• Technology which has helped me to keep in touch with my friends and family
  
• A car that works, even if it does have a lousy door
• A high school education
• The opportunity to attend BYU
  
• Good health
• The laptop I'm writing this on
• The blessings I've gained from being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, the fact I was born into it, and what it's taught me
  
• Missionaries who spend a great amount of time serving in the Church.
• My Savior who is Jesus Christ
• The Scriptures
  
• Parents who worked hard every day of my childhood to keep what what we have
• My citizenship in the United States of America and for those who defend this great country
• Each person who has helped me to grow through experiences they've given me
• My knowledge of music which has given me a great outlet to express myself
• All of my talents which I've been able to develop
  
• A cell phone
• Relatives who have helped me get through school
• The miracle of modern medicine
• Clean water
• Deciding to make more of an effort to go on dates and get to know more girls starting my Sophomore year, which has helped me to grow immensely
  

These are just a few things, but I am very grateful for so much I have been blessed with, and hope to touch the lives of many others I meet.

Yuck

It seems like, at BYU, I eat the same thing every day: Taco Bell. I am getting really sick of it. That place is just about all I can afford without income right now, and there's only so many things you can order for a dollar. Usually, I get the same thing, a bean burrito and soft taco. There was a time when I really liked eating there. Now, it feels similar to taking medicine, and I really only eat at the Bell because I likely wouldn't get any work done if I went home to have dinner. So, right now I am sitting in the Wilk, and am really hungry but just don't want to eat because I'd probably have to get something I'm really tired of. What to do...maybe I'll just buy a pop tart or something. I lifted weights today, so I'd like something with protein to help me rebuild. What a dilemma. Life is tough. Haha.

On Being Thought of As A Stalker

I sometimes wonder about if I seem like a stalker. I don't try to be. However, I'm pretty sure there was a class I was in last year where one of my friends sitting behind me was talking to her friend, and mentioned that it seemed like I was stalking her. I somehow had ended up in two classes with her that semester and saw her a couple times during the day, as well, which may have not helped my cause much. That kind of made me a little bit angry that she would think that, so I stayed away for a while.

Often, when I'm interested in a girl, I try to talk to her a little bit more often to give a hint, but it seems to come off as unwelcome when the girl doesn't like me back, and I again worry that I may just seem like another stalker guy.

Then, sometimes when I see girls I liked in the past who know I liked them, I worry that it may seem like more than a coincidence when I am pretty sure it isn't. For instance, I was recently riding my bike up to class when I ran into a certain girl, and it probably could have seemed like I timed that to happen or something. Maybe that's just me thinking too hard, though. Whenever a girl I like or have liked mentions somebody who seems like a stalker to them, I often think they could likely be talking about me.

And, another thing, when things don't work out with a girl and it becomes awkward for her, should you stop following her blog? I've kind of wondered about that. I started following this girl's blog a while back, but have not been sure ever since things ended with her whether she would feel more comfortable if I stopped following the blog, or if that would seem offensive, and also if reading it is a bad thing. I don't know.

I often don't worry about what people think of me, but there are a few things that get to me. Being thought of as a stalker is one.

I'm Grateful for People Who Show They Genuinely Care About Others

A couple nights ago, I was having fun at a basketball game, when I received a text from a friend. I thought it was probably from one of my parents, as I had recently sent them both a picture of the game, and expected it to be a routine inquiry of how it was or if I was having fun. I try to keep in touch with them when I can. However, it wasn't from either of them. The text I received was from a girl in my ward letting me know they had dropped off cookies and a balloon at my apartment. Right then may have been the best moment of my day or even the whole week. I thought about why they might have done it or if there was something they wanted back, that maybe there was a motive I didn't see, but I just didn't see them doing it for a reason like that. They had generally done it to be nice.

When I asked one of them about it yesterday, she said, "you're a good person, and we wanted to do something to show you that we appreciate it." Hearing this almost brought me to tears. I'll sometimes try to help other people and do things to make them feel better when they're down, but I don't usually receive anything back from it, nor do I expect or want to. However, when somebody actually did do something back for me, it was a change and, likely because it was so unexpected, I'm really taken back and grateful.

I'd like to publicly thank them for their kindness. Thanks, girls. It meant a good deal to have somebody show they genuinely care.