26th Year

It's my birthday. I've lived through 26 years. And it's been an eventful one, as all lives are. I've met people, seen places, and done things... many times over.

Yet, this past year has seemed different. I haven't written in this blog for a while. Probably because life has been much busier than it had ever been. Going to college, finishing your degree with some work mixed in, and just looking after yourself for a while... that's doesn't really take much work. For years, I bought the same thing at the grocery store nearly every time. I did my own things. I had much of my income coming out of student loans, and I didn't worry so much about where my my sustenance would be provided from.

Things are different now. The past couple years, I've had to learn to work a professional job. I've been let go from jobs. I've had heartbreak. I've learned to cope with true anxiety. And it's given me new insight at how much effort life takes when you truly become an adult after getting a degree.

As I said, this year has brought even more learning experiences than I've had in the past. Since my last birthday, I've been learning to live and become interdependent with another person. I wasn't married yet at this point last year... but, I was engaged and fully going down that path. I will have to say that it is an enormous blessing, but it also takes more patience, love, and commitment than anything one will ever do. It is definitely a learning experience. I have also learned, through necessity, how much work it is to maintain and stay at a legitimate, working class job for over a year. I had held a job that long before... just a student job at BYU, though. And one that took almost no brain power. This current job I'm in is one which has days that take all the emotional and mental strength I have just to make it through the shift and get home. In the past, I could always just quit and search for something new if I didn't like where I was. Can't do that anymore. This has also been an adjustment.

In the middle of all this work, and all this effort, I am learning what life is meant to be... well, I guess the answer is in that statement... as life is truly made by the education you gain from real struggles. I feel I've grown more from the learning experiences than I could ever have by staying single and working low-paying, temporary jobs I could quit whenever I wanted to. Some things you just can't learn without experience. In this experience, I have learned to become more responsible, less selfish, more charitable, less stubborn, and much more diligent both at work and at home.

I'm starting to learn the meaning of the Book of Mormon scriptures which tells us that Adam fell so that we might have joy, and that true joy does not come without adversity. In the middle of what many would call a great amount of adversity, I've also seen more joy than perhaps I've ever experienced. From working a job with more responsibility than I've previously had, I have learned the joy that comes with achieving goals after many months of striving to reach them. You can't learn that unless you have a job which takes that kind of effort, and in which you've put in enough time. In marriage, I have learned the joy which comes from celebrating a spouse's triumphs, traveling together, learning to meet needs together, become of one heart and mind, and the strength it can give.

Even if the increased responsibility and difficulty of life has often been a struggle, I am learning to live and grow through adversity and challenges. I am learning to have joy through it all.

I can't say I know what exactly will happen this next year. I do know it probably won't slow down. My brother is preparing to go on a mission, so there will be changes for my close family. Cozette and I will be moving, which brings uncertainty. I also am not sure what path my career takes.

I just know that I'm grateful for what I have and who I've become. I'm grateful for all I've gone through to become a better man the past 26 years. Now, for another year, I will commit to doing my best to keep growing, learning, and developing into my best self.

The Butterfly Circus

I'm sharing this video without comment, because I feel like it's important for people to watch and draw their own thoughts without outside influence. It's 20 minutes long, but worth at least one watch for the message.

55 Dollars

I was at BYU for five years. I occasionally sold back my textbooks, but usually just forgot and kept them. I spent hundreds, even thousands, of dollars on these books. Five years of schooling, thousands of dollars worth of textbooks, and I finally went to sell back these books that had been laying around.... and I was able to get 55 dollars back. And I'm grateful for those 55 dollars.

This post isn't an anger post. It's a post on widening and changing your perspective, and a little more if you care to read until the end. Sometimes, we make investments that last a long time and take up a lot of our resources. We feel like we're entitled to more, like something else should have come out of it. But.... the fact is... the world doesn't really owe us anything. People don't owe us anything. Everything we give has come willingly out of our own hands. The textbook companies technically don't have to pay anything back for textbooks, it would probably make them more money to keep selling back original copies of the newer editions, and not paying anything for old books. But, they do give something something for it. They give you something back, and with that something you can go buy an ice cream cone or whatever you please, and think about the fact that you were just given a gift. It doesn't matter whether or not the return equals the investment, I want to pose the idea that maybe there's more to it than that.

It relates a lot more than just to textbooks. It relates to every experience you'll ever have where you feel like what you were given fell short of what you put into it. Maybe what you received out of an investment was an experience, but without the ending you really deserved. Maybe you received a lesson, but a lesson that left you in a worse place. Maybe you received some fund that was miserably lower than you gave. You're going to want to be angry, upset that you didn't get what you were owed.

Instead of being upset, use those experiences to guide somebody else. Teach that lesson to somebody who is naive of whatever you learned. Or use those meager funds just to be a little happier. There's going to be a greater good in those 55 dollars if you look for it. But, you need the patience to look beyond and see what you're really getting.

Nearly 2,000 years ago, somebody came to earth who could see beyond that 55 dollar initial return. He could comprehend beyond that. He came to teach a message of hope, of salvation and forgiveness. He came to inform people of a greater truth beyond each of their own meager returns. He spent is whole life teaching people, giving Himself to a great work. And, initially for that, He was beaten. He was humiliated. And He was crucified after suffering every pain imaginable to mortality. It became so difficult that He pondered aloud if it could all just be taken away. And, when it could not, when the initial return had to be what it was, which was a lot of suffering, He declared, "nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done (Luke 22:42)."

As I'm sure you know, this was Jesus Christ. This was our Savior, the man whose initial "55 dollars" didn't seem fair at all, bringing along more suffering than any of us could understand. But, what he was given at first wasn't the end of the story. What came after the lowest initial return in history, after being put through the greatest agony ever given, was also the greatest return in the history of mankind. It was the Resurrection, and along with that the Salvation of mankind. His patience to look past what He could first see made the Greatest Gift possible. Through being willing to accept what was first paid out, He gave us all something far greater. 

Now, the most important message of Easter is that of the Resurrection, and Christ's triumph over death. Even as I write this, I want the reader to remember the more important message that today, Easter, brings. I just want to share this other perspective, as well, so that we can all remember to have patience, and trust the Lord in what He gives us. It may seem like a hard thing, and we may also ponder if the outcome could be different, but the Lord knows what we and others will ultimately gain from whatever we're given. 

As you're pondering the greater messages of Easter, it may be worth it to also broaden your perspective on your current situation, and to remember the Lord's power to multiply what we're initially given into something far greater than we realize. He had the power to turn the greatest agony into the greatest victory. And Christ had the patience and wisdom to understand this was possible. Remember that, no matter how meager your return, your investment won't be lost. It will all pay off if you allow it to. Allow the Lord to show you what your compensation is truly worth. 

The Nature of Panic and Anxiety

I wanted to take the time tonight to write about something very personal to me, something people around me have struggled with for years, and something I've also had some trouble with: it's the topic of panic, or anxiety. It's something that a lot of people, even most people, at one point struggle with, but the topic gets brushed under the rug.... since, quite honestly, the topic is hard to discuss when there's so many theories about how to cure it. I'd like to do my best to relate my own beliefs on the cause and antidote to anxiety.

First, one thing needs to be established: anxiety is based on fear: fear we can't get a job done, fear of doing something we've never done before... even fear of what could happen if the anxiety doesn't go away.... which all too often dissolves into an attack, an attack brought on by the fact that we feel we have lost control. We have lost control of our body, it's no longer in our hands, and there is nothing within our means to stop the ever-progressing meltdown in our heads.

Fear turns to despair, and despair turns to panic. This is how an anxiety attack progresses. By that point, the fear is more a state of alarm and hopelessness. The body no longer believe it can control itself, as the mind has already relinquished control. Eventually, you lose all control.... control of you hands usually goes first as they go numb, followed by your feet, up to your legs and arms, and it slowly progresses throughout your body until all that's left is the limited use of your mouth to talk. Not many people get to this final stage, but that's the progression if it continues in this way. The people who have been there will describe the utter hopelessness that comes to them at this stage, and that they have all but accepted they may not live.

As for the solution, it's much easier to say than to actually practice... the cause of anxiety is fear, and the opposite of fear is hope. The only way to cure anxiety is through a mindset of hope, and a belief in your ability to control your body. The only way to cure anxiety is to pull yourself out of it. I would emphasize that this has to be done by yourself. Nobody else can decide for you that you can control yourself. You can control your breathing, and even through controlling your breathing you can begin to control your heart rate. If you can control those two, then you can control the re-emergence of feeling into your limbs, and then you finally have control over your whole body. But, you have to believe in yourself. You have to believe that you have the power to do these things, and you must trust that nothing else can control your body as well as your own mind. And you are the one responsible for your mind.

It seems that anxiety and depression has become so commonplace today because people no longer feel they are in control of their situations. There has been an attitude emerging that it doesn't matter what we do, it will not be enough in a world where the control rests with the government and the corporate higher-ups. Anxiety is a cultural problem, because the root of it is the more commonly accepted belief that somebody else is in control of our life and situation. Then, it is apparent that the most effective cure for anxiety is simply to wipe out this attitude. We are in control of our lives. We have every right to determine where we go, as we are the ones who decide what we do and how hard we work to reach our goals.... just as we determine how hard we are willing to work to gain control of our bodies and fight the anxiety.

It's my belief that the cure to anxiety is coming to believe that we are in control of ourselves and our situation, and nothing can take that control away from us.

Where I'm Going and Where I've Been

Since that last post on here, life really took off. I moved to a house south of campus and job searched for two months. I found a job at a company that hired me for their call center, hoping I could last long enough to get the promotion they promised to people who stayed and proved they could handle it. I got into a relationship for a few months. I was promoted to the new position I had been hoping for, and spent a little while handling a case load of my own clients and helping them. I've experienced so much over the past 6 months. It feels like it's been so much longer. And I recently was hired at a job which will be much more difficult, most likely, but also will give me much more financial flexibility in my life.

 I've moved past where I was back when I last posted, I've matured more than I ever thought I could in such a short period. I learned lessons that were difficult to learn, but have made me grow up. Working in that call center, every day I walked in and wanted to quit. Nearly every day I was on the verge of quitting, but something kept me there. Something telling me it wasn't about the call center. Something told me that, if I gave up, I was quitting on something much bigger. I was quitting on an opportunity to prove I could do something, to make something out of myself by doing what I thought was impossible. Then, at my next position, it was difficult in different ways. I told people I couldn't do it, that I was definitely going to quit. I said the same things for weeks, but every week I came back. And finally, I got a new job and made it through without quitting.

So, I'm done telling myself I can't do something. I'm done being negative. I'm tired of it. My last post was about how I made it through school when I knew it was impossible. Over the last 5 months, I then made it through two impossible jobs. At this point, I'm convinced I can make it through just about anything. I'm going to do big things with my life. I'm done telling myself anything otherwise. I'm going to succeed at this job, and then I'm going to do something even bigger afterwards. I spent too many years in high school and early college telling myself life was too hard. I'm not going to let myself get into that funk ever again.

I used to think there is a such thing as somebody who just doesn't have it and is doomed to fail. I've come to the opinion that there is no such thing as a weak person. The only weak person is one who has never been tested and forced to be strong. Every person who is forced to be strong is going to eventually realize they were capable of more than they ever thought.

I also think there's a little more to it, that God gives us our most strength in our hardest trials. People were created to overcome their weaknesses and progress. I've been blessed in so many ways I never thought I deserved.

In other words, life has been really good to me. I'm excited to see where it takes me. I'm excited to live this next stage, to get into a real job, eventually start a family and find out how great things will be.

Hard Things

Well, I've finally graduated from BYU. The student loans and exam overnight study sessions are over, and I won't be buying another textbook for a long time. Earning this degree may be the most significant accomplishment of my life. It's been a tough journey for me. Some people think graduating from this school isn't that difficult, and believe you could cruise by and still finish with respectable grades. I didn't have that experience. I had to work for 5 years and accrue a certain amount of loans to get through. It took a lot more strength than I thought I even had, and there were moments I wanted to give up because things seemed so difficult.

However, one day when I was particularly frustrated, I stopped and read a discourse by Jeffrey R. Holland, an Apostle in the LDS Church, titled "However Long and Hard the Road." In that talk, one statement stood out to me... something that granted me determination to continue when I'd nearly decided to give up that semester. The statement read:

"The best things are always worth finishing."

I took this statement and put it on the wall above my bed, to remind myself every day to finish what I'd started. I needed a reminder that, even when things are tough and I don't believe in myself... even when I'm not sure I care... that it would be worth it. That someday I'd look back and remember that I finished something difficult.

I want to encourage anybody reading this to keep going. I know there's likely something you're discouraged about. And I know it's hard and you don't know if it will be worth it. I'm telling you that it will be worth it to finish what you started. Someday, even if the accomplishment feels insignificant... if it's hard for you, you'll look back and remember that you finished something difficult. And it will help you in the future to build on your accomplishments and grow. Don't give up on something great without making every possible attempt to succeed.

There was another, more lengthy statement earlier in Holland's piece, something that might be inspirational to more than just me. He said,

"What if beyond this class or that test, this date or that roommate, this disappointment or that dilemma, you really can see and can hope for all the best and right things that God has to offer? Oh, it may be blurred a bit by the perspiration running into your eyes, and in a really difficult fight one of the eyes might even be closing a bit, but faintly, dimly, and ever so far away you can see the object of it all. And you say it is worth it, you do want it, you will fight on."

Words to live by. 

Link to Elder Holland's article: http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=873

Happiness

Sometimes, life isn't perfect.

I know that's hard to believe. I know you probably don't want to believe something might not turn out perfectly. But, there is always that chance. So, you have a choice: you can either try to make those things turn out well and risk failing.... like that job you take where you're fired midway through your third week because you just weren't qualified.... Or, you can skip trying and do something easier (though less rewarding) which will definitely work out.... but you'd lose out on three weeks of experience and good pay from some pretty high-end employment.

Which are you going to choose?

I can tell you right now, you might not end up happy either way. You're either getting fired from your job to gain experience or you're getting a job that's going to work out and isn't too hard but is less fulfilling. 

Let's ask the more important question: which of these options is better for you to take?

I only ask this because almost every person reading this blog is going to assume my post will agree with the cliche, and that I'd say pick the first one because it's worth trying for and it's better to have at least tried.

However, I'm just not sure that's true. 

The entire point I really want to convey to anybody who reads this is that neither of those choices is actually better. It doesn't matter whether you're ultimately getting more experience for a higher paying job or if you're in a low-paying job that gets you can keep the rest of the life. It's possible neither of them will make you happy. But, you also have to realize it's entirely possible that you could be happy in both of them. It's possible to be happy working in fast food and flipping burgers for some people. You can find satisfaction in that. It's also possible to be happy working a different job every two weeks where each one gives you a little bit more experience than the last and maybe you end up with something great down the line.

My point is for people to slow down a little bit and ask what would make them the happiest. Not what other people think would make them happy or what society says makes you happy. Society says you have to go for the higher-end paying job because it's good to ascend up the career ladder even if you hate it. I would say that you can keep the lower-end job if you want and it will make you neither less of a person nor less accomplished. What if you like flipping burgers? Then.... go flip some burgers! Don't over-think your own happiness chasing an eventual prize which may or may not be there. But, if that prize is really going to be what makes you content, then go chase it and don't stop until you've caught it, or gotten as close as you could.

If you want to find happiness, you have to ask yourself what you really want. It's different for every person. Don't let somebody else tell you differently. Don't let yourself tell you differently. Find out what's the best for you. If you're in a bad situation or doing something you don't like, you have a choice to either find happiness in your current one or find it in a different situation. One might be easier than the other for different people, but it's possible either one is good. 

You have so many choices, so many different ways that could all lead to something. Don't become burdened down by too many choices of what might be great if great is right in front of you.

I'm still trying to figure out how to do all of these things and don't exactly have myself figured out quite yet. This is something I'm really trying to come to grips with as I look for a job in the world after college. Hopefully the thought helps somebody who's struggling to find the right direction. And hopefully I can find the right path along with everybody else. I'm sure we'll all end up in one place, regardless. Let's make it a place we're glad to be in.